Welcome, dear reader, to another instalment of our journey together, exploring the intricate realms of sex, intimacy and connection. Today, we delve into a topic that many couples I support encounter on their path: desire discrepancy also known as mis-matched libido. Where partners have a different libido, one may be higher, the other lower; importantly - neither one is wrong, or bad, yet this dynamic can impact our relationships and self-esteem greatly.
In the dance of love and partnership, it's not uncommon for partners to find themselves out of sync when it comes to desire. One may be craving closeness and intimacy, while the other may be seeking space or feeling less inclined towards physical connection, or the match for what kind of connection is not quite there. One partner wants a kinky dynamic, and the other wants more vanilla. One partner may be on the aromantic spectrum, and the other may require romancing to feel in the mood. This mismatch can stir up a whirlwind of emotions and challenges, leaving both partners feeling disconnected and at risk of going along with, enduring, people pleasing, and obsessing over sex or our lack of it, leading to dissatisfying relationships and heart ache.
I know this journey intimately, as I traverse this terrain myself. The path of desire discrepancy can be fraught with tangled emotions and hidden wounds. Core wounds of shame, feelings of not enough, or not enjoying the sex you're having can all cast shadows on your intimate connection. And when you don't feel safe in the relationship or within yourself, and you don't know how to communicate what you want, it becomes even harder to bridge the gap.
But amidst these challenges lies a beacon of hope. Through my own journey and the work I do at Rooted Pleasure, I've come to understand that self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-responsibility are the keys to unlocking a more satisfying sex life.
Self-compassion invites us to hold ourselves with kindness and understanding, recognizing that we are human and deserving of love, even in our moments of struggle. It's about embracing our imperfections and vulnerabilities with tenderness, rather than harsh judgment.
Self-acceptance calls us to embrace the full spectrum of who we are, including our desires, fears, and insecurities. It's about owning our truth and honoring our authentic selves, without apology, pretense or people pleasing. Knowing that our desires and needs can change and sex doesn't happen in a vacuum; whatever else is happening in our worlds can impact our ability to soften and relax enough to experience satisfying intimacy.
And self-responsibility empowers us to take ownership of our desires, boundaries, and actions. It's about recognizing that we have the power to co-create our reality and shape our intimate experiences, rather than being passive bystanders to circumstance. Not forgetting that we are the ones who are in control of our pleasure, our partner’s can support us to experience pleasure, but it is OUR responsibility.
Cultivating a sense of safety within the relationship is paramount. We do this by slowing down, by noticing, valuing, and voicing what arises within our bodies. It's about moving slow enough to stay present to our feelings, not just the facts. This deliberate act of presence creates a sacred container where both partners can feel seen, heard, and understood, fostering a deeper sense of connection and trust.
"If we are too quick to make meaning, we bypass the feeling."
Once the feelings of safety are familiar in the body, we can begin to sit alongside the discomfort of frustration, hurt, confusion that can occur from desire discrepancy, and this can be painful. Yet rather than trying to make meaning or bypassing our feelings by avoiding them or taking medications to increase our libido or ability to have an erection, experiencing our feelings through our body is a way to reconnect with our sense of aliveness and eros. As we cultivate these qualities within ourselves and within our relationship, we create a fertile ground for healing and transformation. We learn to communicate our feelings, our needs and desires with clarity and compassion, fostering a sense of safety and trust that allows intimacy to blossom in all its forms. It takes time to re-wire our neural pathways through lived experiences, and to approach intimacy from a clean, grounded and present space, not desire smuggling. In the work I do at Rooted Pleasure, we work with and through the body, to support the connection with the mind, through embodied practices, communication tools, touch and practice. I can support you to know what kind of touch and pleasure you like, what you want and how to ask for it!
Let us not forget that intimacy extends far beyond the physical realm. It encompasses emotional connection, spiritual resonance, and energetic alignment. It's about co-creating values, sharing our deepest fears and wildest dreams, holding space for our own and each other's growth and evolution, and dancing together in the sacredness of humans baring their souls to eachother, whilst remaining in integrity with who you are at the core of your being. Get vulnerable, first with yourself, then with your partner, before any clothes come off! As Brené Brown says
“When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.”
So, dear ones, if you find yourselves tangled in the web of desire discrepancy, know that there is hope for healing and growth. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and self-love, knowing that Rooted Pleasure, your couples sex coach in Portland, is here to support you every step of the way. I guide you to embody your transformative pleasure, so you can co-create a sex life worth wanting!
Take the first step towards embodied intimacy and book a Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call with us today. Together, let us embark on a bespoke journey of exploration, healing, and profound connection.