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Welcome, dear reader, to another instalment of our journey together, exploring the intricate realms of sex, intimacy and connection. Today, we delve into a topic that many couples I support encounter on their path: desire discrepancy also known as mis-matched libido. Where partners have a different libido, one may be higher, the other lower; importantly - neither one is wrong, or bad, yet this dynamic can impact our relationships and self-esteem greatly. In the dance of love and partnership, it's not uncommon for partners to find themselves out of sync when it comes to desire. One may be craving closeness and intimacy, while the other may be seeking space or feeling less inclined towards physical connection, or the match for what kind of connection is not quite there. One partner wants a kinky dynamic, and the other wants more vanilla. One partner may be on the aromantic spectrum, and the other may require romancing to feel in the mood. This mismatch can stir up a whirlwind of emotions and challenges, leaving both partners feeling disconnected and at risk of going along with, enduring, people pleasing, and obsessing over sex or our lack of it, leading to dissatisfying relationships and heart ache. I know this journey intimately, as I traverse this terrain myself. The path of desire discrepancy can be fraught with tangled emotions and hidden wounds. Core wounds of shame, feelings of not enough, or not enjoying the sex you're having can all cast shadows on your intimate connection. And when you don't feel safe in the relationship or within yourself, and you don't know how to communicate what you want, it becomes even harder to bridge the gap. But amidst these challenges lies a beacon of hope. Through my own journey and the work I do at Rooted Pleasure, I've come to understand that self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-responsibility are the keys to unlocking a more satisfying sex life. Self-compassion invites us to hold ourselves with kindness and understanding, recognizing that we are human and deserving of love, even in our moments of struggle. It's about embracing our imperfections and vulnerabilities with tenderness, rather than harsh judgment. Self-acceptance calls us to embrace the full spectrum of who we are, including our desires, fears, and insecurities. It's about owning our truth and honoring our authentic selves, without apology, pretense or people pleasing. Knowing that our desires and needs can change and sex doesn't happen in a vacuum; whatever else is happening in our worlds can impact our ability to soften and relax enough to experience satisfying intimacy. And self-responsibility empowers us to take ownership of our desires, boundaries, and actions. It's about recognizing that we have the power to co-create our reality and shape our intimate experiences, rather than being passive bystanders to circumstance. Not forgetting that we are the ones who are in control of our pleasure, our partner’s can support us to experience pleasure, but it is OUR responsibility. Cultivating a sense of safety within the relationship is paramount. We do this by slowing down, by noticing, valuing, and voicing what arises within our bodies. It's about moving slow enough to stay present to our feelings, not just the facts. This deliberate act of presence creates a sacred container where both partners can feel seen, heard, and understood, fostering a deeper sense of connection and trust. "If we are too quick to make meaning, we bypass the feeling." Once the feelings of safety are familiar in the body, we can begin to sit alongside the discomfort of frustration, hurt, confusion that can occur from desire discrepancy, and this can be painful. Yet rather than trying to make meaning or bypassing our feelings by avoiding them or taking medications to increase our libido or ability to have an erection, experiencing our feelings through our body is a way to reconnect with our sense of aliveness and eros. As we cultivate these qualities within ourselves and within our relationship, we create a fertile ground for healing and transformation. We learn to communicate our feelings, our needs and desires with clarity and compassion, fostering a sense of safety and trust that allows intimacy to blossom in all its forms. It takes time to re-wire our neural pathways through lived experiences, and to approach intimacy from a clean, grounded and present space, not desire smuggling. In the work I do at Rooted Pleasure, we work with and through the body, to support the connection with the mind, through embodied practices, communication tools, touch and practice. I can support you to know what kind of touch and pleasure you like, what you want and how to ask for it! Let us not forget that intimacy extends far beyond the physical realm. It encompasses emotional connection, spiritual resonance, and energetic alignment. It's about co-creating values, sharing our deepest fears and wildest dreams, holding space for our own and each other's growth and evolution, and dancing together in the sacredness of humans baring their souls to eachother, whilst remaining in integrity with who you are at the core of your being. Get vulnerable, first with yourself, then with your partner, before any clothes come off! As Brené Brown says “When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding.” So, dear ones, if you find yourselves tangled in the web of desire discrepancy, know that there is hope for healing and growth. Embrace the journey of self-discovery and self-love, knowing that Rooted Pleasure, your couples sex coach in Portland, is here to support you every step of the way.  I guide you to embody your transformative pleasure, so you can co-create a sex life worth wanting! Take the first step towards embodied intimacy and book a Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call with us today. Together, let us embark on a bespoke journey of exploration, healing, and profound connection.

I am Emerald May (she/her), an international Embodied Sex, Intimacy & Breathwork coach, and Certified Sexological Bodyworker™, driven by a deep commitment of self-discovery, empowerment, and transformation. My personal journey is a testament to the power of embracing vulnerability, accepting oneself, and finding the courage to live authentically. Rooted Pleasure is a client led, trauma-informed space providing intimacy and sexual wellness coaching, support, education and guidance for disconnected folks and parents to authentically root into themselves and lovingly reconnect with their partner(s), whilst courageously raising the next generation. I've not always been like that though, like all of us, my own experience led me on a path of self-discovery and to where I am today, now walking alongside my clients and shining the light. Even though I am a certified Sex, Intimacy & Breathwork Coach, I know what it’s like to struggle with feeling disconnected from myself and not knowing who I am, or even that I am allowed to have my own needs and desires, without feeling guilty, outside of being a parent… I know what it’s like to wake up and feel despair, because in 2013, that struggle consumed my life. I was going to be stuck in the monotony of the daily grind of parenting a young family, without a supportive nourishing partnership with myself or anyone else. I felt so disembodied and disconnected from my own pleasure, I didn’t know what turned me on anymore, nor did I have the energy, or feel safe enough to get curious… I know what it’s like to lay down at night, feeling numbness and shame for avoiding intimacy with my husband, and thinking about having to get up and do the same thing all over again tomorrow. It got so bad that my husband had an affair, he and I separated, I got even smaller, and turned the anger and frustration on myself. So I know how painful it can be. I also know how good a sex-life worth wanting can feel. BecauseI know what it’s like to be on the other side of it. To be able to know, value and voice my needs and desires without guilt or shame, and to live a life where I wake up feeling empowered to create the life and partnerships I want. I have a healthier relationship with myself, my children’s father, and I go to bed at night feeling gratitude for my choices and feeling of aliveness. “To love someone is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be, and a thousand births of the person they are becoming” Heidi Priebe and Anon The best part is my new partner and I get to be and love our authentic selves, whilst also receiving love in the ways that are nourishing for both of us, without obligation or people pleasing, and remaining in integrity with our individual and shared values. And sometimes these values, and what turns us on shifts. As someone who lives with mental health challenges, I never stop working on the relationship I have with myself and with others, and we continue to adapt in the present moment. And, I want this kind of life for everyone! That’s why I do the work that I do. Life is too short to spend it disconnected from your authenticity, your pleasure and merely exist in dissatisfying relationships with yourself or others. I’d be honored to support you (or someone you care about) to live a more authentic, connected, and pleasure-filled life! Are you ready to work with me? Book your 45 minute Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call. During this 45 minute call you will have the opportunity to feel heard, receive at least 3 strategies to support you on your journey, and an optional follow up email summarising what we discussed. There is no hard sell, it is an opportunity to practice receiving, and to see if we are a good fit to work together. www.rootedpleasure.com hello@rootedpleasure.com

Sexological Bodywork is the body-based sex education you never had. Book sessions with me to explore your needs and desires, release your beliefs and experiences, create new pleasure pathways and discover a deeper connection to yourself and others. We can cover physiology, anatomy, breathwork, foundations of touch, somatic learning, body and genital mapping, consent and boundaries, destigmatizing STIs, ageing and body image, active receiving, genital dearmouring, scar tissue remediation, and masturbation coaching. You can access much of this work online, where you use guided or self-directed touch or with a partner. If we meet in person, I use one-way gloved touch. Book your Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call now, and co-create a sex life worth wanting! I appreciate the explanation that the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers offers... "Sexological Bodywork is somatic education that assists individuals, couples, and groups to deepen their experience and awareness of their body, eroticism, and sexuality. “Soma” or “Somatic” is ‘of the body.’ It is turning the focus inwards, to the sensations we experience in our bodies, including our tissues, structures, trapped emotions or stories that we hold in our nervous systems which contribute to our habits and how we experience life. Why do people work with Sexological Bodyworkers? People work with Sexological Bodyworkers to address specific challenges they are aware of for which they are seeking understanding, acceptance and relief; as well as those who are more broadly looking to explore and expand their own erotic potential. Sexological Bodyworkers are somatic sex educators who use a client-centered approach to empower, educate, and bring attention to the felt experience through movement, breath, touch, sound, and placement of awareness. This approach facilitates the ability to change limiting habits, unwind and release what is no longer supportive, re-sensitize the body, and create a more expansive erotic state that integrates both body and mind. What modalities does Sexological Bodywork use? Our teaching involves a variety of instructive modalities, including breathwork, foundations of touch, somatic learning, body and genital mapping, consent and boundaries, active receiving, erotic massage, pelvic release bodywork, scar tissue remediation, and masturbation coaching. One of the somatic realms that Sexological Bodyworkers introduce to clients is a state of arousal that is free of fantasy, unfinished emotional business, religious dogma, cultural caveats and habitual sexual behaviors. In this meditative state, an individual becomes aware of the body as a source of wisdom and freedom. One of the ways to access this fecund state is by actively receiving attentive and mindful erotic touch. Helping others access and make use of a variety of erotic states is foundational to the education we offer." Quoted from the Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers website. Book your Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call with me to feel heard, receive some practical next steps, and see if we are a good fit to work together! www.rootedpleasure.com hello@rootedpleasure.com

Working with an Embodied Sex, Intimacy & Breathwork Coach or Certified Sexological Bodyworker is vulnerable and intimate work. It is crucial for the practitioner to establish a healthy container—a clear and structured space-that supports the client's personal growth and healing and meets them where they are at. This container is created through establishing boundaries, clear communication, and ethical practices. This article explores how creating a healthy container impacts your journey. Why I never call my sessions, workshops or retreats a “Safe Space” Whenever I see someone describing their containers as "safe spaces", it is a red flag for me. As it plays into the lack of awareness they have for power dynamics within the practitioner-client or participant roles. The concept of a "safe space" is subjective and varies based on individual perspectives and experiences. What feels safe for one person may not necessarily feel the same for another. Different individuals have different needs, boundaries, and comfort levels when it comes to creating a safety in their body. The work I do is slow, titrated and consensual. Particularly when working with couples, we use the most sensitive nervous system in the room as our guide for curiosity and exploration. I support you to recognise when YOU feel safe in YOUR body and where your resilient edge of resistance is! Establishing Safety and Trust Setting and maintaining boundaries establishes a foundation of safety and trust between you and me. Knowing and experiencing your boundaries being respected allows you to learn safety and to repair trust with yourself and others, to relax, and fully engage in the healing process. I understand the importance of embodied consent and ensure that you are an active participant in every step of the session, fostering a sense of safety and trust. This is why I don't allow latecomers into my Rooted Breathwork Circles or any online events, and why we always learn & embody aspects of the Wheel of Consent as the foundation to any coaching or bodywork sessions. Freedom to Explore Boundaries provide a framework that allows you to explore your desires within a contained and supportive space. By clearly defining what is and isn't permissible during a session, you learn to find the edges of your comfort and safety zone. Over time you will learn to feel empowered to express your needs and desires without fear of judgement or overstepping your or my boundaries. This freedom to explore promotes personal growth and self-discovery. Like children in a playground, when we have a clear container, we are free to get creative and even more curious! Respect for Individual Limits Every person has unique limits and boundaries when it comes to their comfort levels, physical touch, and emotional openness. I support you to explore your individual limits, if you don't know what they are and honor where you are on your individual journey. This respect allows you to maintain agency and autonomy over your experience and supports your self-awareness and self-responsibility. Emotional Processing Exploring your sexuality can trigger a wide range of emotions, from joy and elation, including rage, grief, shame, fear and the vulnerability hangover. Having been through many mixed and conflicting emotional processes myself, I am a coach who is skilled in holding a container that provides emotional support during these moments. I am adept at creating a non-judgmental and compassionate space where you can openly express and process your emotions. By holding space for your feelings, I can help you navigate any challenges that arise, fostering self-compassion. Integration and Embodiment I hold a container and set boundaries that supports your integration and embodiment of the experiences and insights gained during sessions or circles. By providing a structured space, I facilitate the process of bringing your newfound self-awareness and self-acceptance into your daily life. I support you with accessible tools to support your radical self-responsibility in holding your own boundaries. This integration allows you to embody your personal growth, leading to long-lasting transferable transformation. What if something goes wrong? I endeavour to remain in integrity with the container we have co-created at all times and I may make a mistake, because I am human. To reduce this risk, I work with a supervisor, I am a regular attendee at Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers Ethics Committee Meetings and have a Grievance Policy in case a client feels I have crossed their boundaries. I value the importance of holding a strong container and setting boundaries creating a supportive, and empowering space for your personal growth. By establishing clear boundaries, fostering trust, and providing emotional support, I enable you to explore your desires, process emotions, and integrate your experiences. With my guidance, you can embark on a transformative journey of self-discovery, healing, and empowerment. Book your 45 minute Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call with me to feel heard, receive some practical next steps, and see if we are a good fit to work together! www.rootedpleasure.com hello@rootedpleasure.com

Embarking on a journey of self-discovery and healing through the support of an Embodied Sex, Intimacy & Breathwork Coach or Certified Sexological Bodyworker, can be a transformative experience. Whether you seek to process emotions, address trauma, explore sensuality and sexuality, or develop deeper connections, finding the right practitioner is crucial. Why did I write this? This selection of tips came about when my partner wanted to explore his sexual trauma in an embodied way. He would send me websites of practitioners to get my opinion, and oh did I have opinions! Some of the bodyworkers were making grandiose claims with few credentials, while others were just relying on their good looks, and most were not trauma informed. As a loving partner I wanted him to have the best chance of healing and so I wrote a list of things he could look for when choosing a bodyworker. Being open and flexible to exploring what feels right is important, you don’t need to have all the answers just yet, simply getting curious will help… Understand Your Goals and Intentions Before diving into the process of finding the right coach or Certified Sexological Bodyworker, it is essential to get curious with your intentions. Consider your ultimate goals without attachment and the curiosity or desires you wish to explore. Are you seeking emotional processing, healing childhood or attachment trauma, unraveling religious or societal conditioning, wanting to experience more pleasure, learning about and meeting sensual, sexual or platonic touch needs, or reconnect with yourself and your partner? Determining the nature of your desires and needs will guide you towards a more fulfilling experience. Tip: Spend some time journaling your goals and intentions and get honest with your desires! 2. Do you want regular or One-Off Sessions? Get curious about whether you want a series of sessions, or just a one-off experience. Regular sessions can offer long-term support, healing, and growth, to help you re-wire neural pathways and make lasting change, while one-off sessions might serve as a valuable exploration, an opening, or to meet an immediate need. Understanding the duration and frequency of the sessions will assist you in selecting a suitable practitioner. 3. Evaluating Practitioner Websites When searching for an Embodied Sex, Intimacy & Breathwork Coach or Sexological Bodyworker, their website can provide valuable insights into their values and approaches. Here are 13 more elements to consider when choosing a coach or bodyworker. 4. Lineage and Training Look for information about the practitioner's background, lineage, and the trainings they have undergone. This gives you an idea of their areas or interest and expertise. 5. Trauma-Informed Approach Determine if the practitioner mentions being trauma-informed. This indicates their understanding of trauma and their commitment to creating a space for clients to foster a sense of safety for themselves. See my blog post "What is a safe space?" to explore more. 6. Emphasis on Consent Assess how the practitioner addresses consent. A reliable practitioner will emphasize consent throughout the session, ensuring your autonomy and comfort. Look for clear explanations of their approach to consent. Ask them about it. 7. Sharing Their Story Some practitioners share aspects of their own life experiences and how that has impacted their work today. Notice how your body responds to their story. Does it resonate? Do you feel a connection? While shared experiences can enhance empathy, remember that a lack of similar experiences doesn't necessarily mean they can't support you effectively. 8. Informed Decision-Making Evaluate how the practitioner supports you in making an informed decision. Look for options like a Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call to establish mutual compatibility and ensure both parties are in choice and a good fit to work together. Consent should always be prioritized. Try and be as present as possible in the call and notice how you feel in the presence of the coach. 9. Onboarding Process and Policies Consider the practitioner's onboarding process, Ethics & Personal Boundaries Statements, Policies; including cancellation policies. Transparent communication about expectations and boundaries is essential. 10. Session work As Embodied Sex, Intimacy, Breathwork Coaching & Sexological Bodywork is a client led modality, meaning the client comes with their own intentions to sessions, rather than the practitioner working with an agenda. Do you understand what a session might look like? Do you understand what the practitioner's boundaries are? Do you co-create the sessions together? 11. Support & Integration I often tell clients that the hard work usually begins at the end of our work together! Investigate what type of support you can expect to receive between sessions and after your series has completed. Ask for what you think you might want, make adjustments. 12. Professional Network and Resources Look for practitioners who have links to other professionals' websites or mention having a healthy support system in place. This indicates their commitment to continuous learning and holistic support. 13. Accountability Sometimes mistakes, misunderstandings and difficulties can occur in the client-practitioner relationship. Determine if the practitioner mentions a process for bringing up challenges that may occur in sessions? Do they work with a supervisor? Do they have an accountability pod? Do they have an external grievance process? 14. Continuing Professional Development Is the practitioner keeping up to date with their education and expanding their knowledge and experience? 15. Ethical Framework and Registrations Determine if the practitioner follows an ethical framework and is registered with any governing bodies. This can demonstrate professionalism and accountability. 16. Testimonials Consider the testimonials on the practitioner's website. While not the sole basis for your decision, they can provide insights into others' experiences and their satisfaction with the practitioner's services. 17. Remember, It's all about YOU. Owning your desires for living an authentic, connected and pleasure filled life and receiving touch, can be a courageous step towards self-discovery, healing and transformation. It is crucial to find a practitioner who is well-versed in supporting you during and after sessions. It is common for memories, trauma, emotions, and realizations to surface doing this work, making it vital to have an informed and experienced practitioner who can work through these challenges with both your mind and body. And someone who knows their capacity and when to ask for extra support. Consider if you are an external processor or feeler, you may benefit from a practitioner who can offer both verbal and body-based approaches. By getting clear on what it is you are looking for, considering the suggestions provided, asking your potential practitioner questions and following your intuition, you can find the right coach or bodyworker who aligns with your needs, desires, and values, and co-create a transformative and empowering journey of healing and self-discovery. Book your Disconnected to Deeply Loving Strategy Call. During this 45 minute call you will have the opportunity to feel heard, receive at least 3 strategies to support you on your journey, and an optional follow up email summarizing what we discussed. There is no hard sell, it is an opportunity to practice receiving, and to see if we are a good fit to work together. www.rootedpleasure.com hello@rootedpleasure.com

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